Becoming untangled

I feel like this is what i have been trying to do for a while now: detangling, detangling, detangling. I pull from one end of the thread and the knot just worsens on the other. The tangle is so bad that after a couple of days i come to the conclusion that this mess just needs to be left alone. Then a couple of days later i find i’m again trying to untangle myself a bit, in my head it goes like this: “ok, so.. why am i doing this? Is this what i should be doing right now? are you sure there is nothing else in immediate need of attention right now? Can we really afford me doing this? Should i not better be doing this other thing to make sure this and that get done on time? Am i going to have to do this by myself or was he not working late today? Should i maybe postpone this for a week or two.. till this other thing is sorted? or maybe until after the holidays then?

So this post is the first of a series of posts dedicated to help me keep track of the bits that have been given a shot at untangling, i might call it “being x”

Here are some things that currently keep me busy “being”..

Trying to figure out how to be a good, patient, relaxed and involved mummy to my twins Matias and Nicolas (4 now). Love and laughter come VERY naturally at home, but so do bouts of shouts and angry faces, it feels like everything I say when we need to get things done either comes with a warning or a time frame or a threat. I laugh and cry sometimes with way too little time in between than i would ever have guessed normal and I actually sometimes look forward to have both boys on time out so as to have a coupe of minutes of silence and an excuse to tell them to play in their bedroom until I say otherwise.

Trying to figure out how to be a good, supportive, caring wife. I am so stressed and tired by the time my other half and me see each other, that I find this a really hard one. It doesn’t help that his life is genuinely not easy either (he works long hours and the payment isn’t that great) because we both feel there is no point in sharing our burdens.

Learning the tricks to be an efficient house keeper. Not in a life time did i think i would hear myself say these words! I actually never consciously realised all the work that goes into having your own place nice and tidy when you share it with other people, half of whom have no clue of why there is constant need for tidying if they’re going to continue playing anyway. Or the ridiculous amount of cups and plates and bowls and plastic cutlery that needs to be washed even when the children spend half the day in school. Or the amount of time it takes to pre-wash the boys’ clothes, and how useless a washing machine can be if you’re not willing to do it. Tomato, mud, marker ink, even orange juice stains have evaded the total power of the amazing brands that i tried so far, not true that oxi-vanish removes these stains by itself, there has to be some serious rubbing involved.

How to be a good environmentalist. To try to get the stains out with the washing machine at least temperature possible. To keep checking if they finally started recycling grocery bags, or all the other clear plastics involved in packaging of products. To explain to my boys about the need to reuse, repair and recycle. To have them understand we don’t keep buying things not only because we don’t have that much money, but because we don’t need that many things, toys in their case. And that we shouldn’t add to the mountains of rubbish generated by people getting to much stuff. To make them aware of the inequalities in the world without making them depressed about it.

How to balance being an artist/desiger maker with being an entrepreneur and figure out if i can make a living out of this balance. This is actually what has been taking most of my child free time lately. It’s completely new and experimental to me and I’m loving every minute. It started with me pursuing a long love for stones and earrings and a very obvious but long closeted artistic tendency and has evolved into a desire to create a brand and a business to provide for a flexible income for myself while allowing me to lead the life i want. Yes this one keeps me awake a lot, probably to do with the fact it’s generating no income but taking up so much time and energy. I actually fantasize about working on the local supermarket lately.. Imagine the joy of a payslip!

Other things that are often on my mind are: what does it take to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good role model, a good UK citizen, a good European citizen and a good Bolivian one?. I know.. i bore myself to death but i can’t help it, i tried!

Not bored yet? here let me try a bit harder: here are some of my other aspirations: to learn how to lead a balanced and harmonious life, to be a good nutrition oriented cook, to be the my own favourite travel agent, to be healthier and have more energy, to do more reiki and be more spiritually involved, to get my husband to be healthier -we both have very strange old people-like aches and pains, you can actually hear us get up in the morning, moaning while we stand up- to play football in the park with the children regularly and to teach them Dutch one day a week (we speak Spanish at home). To have them learn about South America, it’s geography, it’ people and history.

Yes, there is a lot going on.. a lot of balls in the air. But that’s life i guess, everyone i talk to feels they have too many balls in the air, even the ones without kids. If life is going to keep sending lovely balls for us to juggle better get proficient at juggling! it seams the balls are going nowhere and in my case i don’t mind it, but i’d love to feel a sense of being on top of things every once in a while..

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5 Responses to Becoming untangled

  1. vintolindo says:

    I really FEEL what you are going through, did not get BORED by reading it, but yes: I felt tired imagining everything you want and aspire to and all the energy you need. But: all the things you mention are aspects of you being you and make you into the precious and interesting person you are, and they are all related. Maybe you should stop trying so much, just live the best you can, don´t despair and I am confident everything will work out just fine!

  2. Joa says:

    Buen consejo de tu mama! 🙂 jaja
    Concentrate en una cosa o 2 máximo y el resto vendrá con ello.. es como el snowball effect.. o avalancha jaja.. Suerte y fuerzas!!

  3. Joa says:

    ah and by the way.. to Untangle something you usually need to stop pulling once a while.. 😉

  4. Josine says:

    Hoe gaat het nu met jou? Het is nu een maand later; misschien is alles nu anders?

    • Hi Josine. Het gaat goed hoor.. Te veel ballen in de lucht, maar zo is het leven denk ik. Wel leuk, maar druk, druk, druk.. Hoe gaat het met jouw, met jullie? het is inerdaad al heel lang geleden dat we jullie heben gezien! Dikke kus en knuffel voor allebei.. xx

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